


The Shenny Reproduction Paradox

by twisted_and_ginger



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-23
Updated: 2013-09-02
Packaged: 2017-12-24 08:56:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/938053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twisted_and_ginger/pseuds/twisted_and_ginger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a sudden ailment puts Sheldon's plan to one day produce the perfect offspring in jeopardy, he turns to Penny to help him.</p><p>"Was she really considering having a baby with Sheldon Cooper? The man who scheduled his bowel movements! He arranged his cereal by fiber content! How could he possibly handle an infant? With his super hero shirts and room full of comics, he was nothing but an overgrown child himself."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sheldon's Proposal

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone! This is my first time writing for the Big Bang Theory fandom. About a month ago, I watched a movie on Netflix titled "Not Safe for Children" and it inspired the plot to this. I hope you all enjoy. It's been a joy writing this so far.

Ugh. Lunch shift at the Cheesecake Factory made that ad for a family with five kids in need of a nanny she’d skimmed over when she first moved to Pasadena lookrealattractive. Penny pulled herself up the final flight of stairs, doing her best to ignore the mashed potatoes covering the front of her uniform. Three tables stiffed her on tips, one table had a little boy who managed to get food everywhere but on himself, and she’d dropped an entire tray of food an hour before her shift ended, covering herself and one unfortunate man in a rather expensive looking business suit in various vegetables. Her feet ached, she needed a shower in the worst way, and maybe a good cry while she was at it. She’d definitely be finishing off the rest of that wine tonight.

She didn’t make it to the couch before her apartment exploded with frantic knocks. Groaning, she flicked her gaze between the oh so attractive blue cushions and her door. Might as well get it over with. Dropping her purse, she shuffled back to fling open the door with more force than she’d intended. Leonard, Howard and Raj all but fell into living room, scrambling to right themselves as she raised an eyebrow. “What is it, guys? Halo night doesn’t start until eight, and I just got home from work.”

The boys exchanged looks with each other, as though they were silently electing which one of them would speak. Leonard, as usual, must have gotten the vote. “We need a bit of a favor.” Oh, red flags didn’t come any bigger than that. Why couldn’t she have made friends with some nice, normal, non-genius people? Then she could come home from a shitty day at work and drown herself in bad reality television and wine like the rest of society.

“Alright, out with it.” She allowed herself to lean on the door frame, making a waving gesture with her hand. “I’d like to get a shower before I kick all your butts on the Xbox.”

They engaged in another round of looks before Howard rolled his eyes. “Sheldon’s gone insane.” Oh, alert the media! Call on the National Guard! Whack-A-Doodle’s lost what’s left of his marbles! “Again.”

“So?”

Leonard did that nervous smile that she’d grown to dread. “The thing is,” he laughed, the sound hollow. “He’s been at his laptop since this morning. He even skipped work, and he won’t tell any of us what it is he’s doing. He insists he has to speak with you first.”

She closed her eyes, scrubbing a hand over her face. This had “only adding to your shitty day” written all over it. “Can’t it wait until I come over for Halo night? I’ve had a really bad day, and I don’t feel like dealing with Sheldon’s crazy right now.” She didn’t much feel like video games either, but she’d learned the hard way what happens when you mess with Sheldon’s schedule.

“Penny, we’re really worried.” Her ex put on those ridiculous puppy dog eyes behind his glasses, and she resigned herself to postponing her shower. “I don’t even think he’s eaten anything.” She hated how those words pulled at her heartstrings. He may be crazy, but she had an undeniable soft spot for the lanky nerd across the hall.

“Okay, fine.” She thrust a finger out at Leonard. “But you’re taking him grocery shopping this week.”

Sure enough, the good doctor in question sat at his desk, neatly stacking together a pile of papers that looked suspiciously like another one of his contracts. Even as the boys stumbled in behind her, he appeared oblivious to their presence. Taking a deep breath, she moved toward him, putting on the high pitched voice reserved strictly for small children and Sheldon. “Sweetie? You okay over there?”

His head snapped toward her, eyes wild, before his expression softened. “Oh good!” He placed one last piece of paper on the stack before extending it toward her. “You’re already here. This saves me the trouble of going to your apartment.”

Penny took in the ominous gift in his hand. Maybe if she ran now, she could get back to her apartment and into a nice bath, complete with her wine. No, he’d only follow her. The man-child couldn’t take a hint any better than Howard at a night club. She steeled herself, taking the massive pile from him and scanning the first page.

“A proposal for reproduction?” She sifted through the next few pages. “Sheldon, what the hell?”

“I have testicular cancer,” he said, so matter of fact, as if that answered everything. Her mouth fell open, and she had a sneaking suspicion she looked like a fish. Cancer. He had cancer? She reached out for the nearest surface to steady herself, forgetting to freak out that it happened to be Howard’s shoulder.

“Oh my god, Sheldon!”

Unmoved by her exclamation, he merely waved a hand at her. “No need to despair. The doctors assure me that a single surgery and round of chemo should completely rid me of the affliction.” Before the relief could even set in, he continued as though he were explaining the importance of his high fiber cereal. “However, the surgery has a rather unfortunate side effect. It will render me infertile.”

A proposal for reproduction. Testicular cancer. Infertile.

“You want me to have your baby?”

Somewhere behind her, she could hear Leonard begin his outburst. The room around her became blurry, and the ground shifted beneath her feet. She hoped Howard had enough strength to catch her before she hit the floor.

“Of course, Penny!” Oh, so she was still conscious? “You read the title page for yourself! Do keep up!” Only Sheldon Cooper could ask a woman to bear his children and insult her in the same breath.

“Shouldn’t…” she shook her head, glad when some of her vision came back into focus. “Should you be having this conversation with Amy? You know, your girlfriend.”

“Yeah!” Leonard appeared beside her. “I’m sure Amy would be more than happy to help you out!”

Exasperated, Sheldon gave a dramatic eye roll. “I’ve already spoken with Amy Farrah Fowler and presented a similar proposal to her. She has informed me she has no intentions of ever bearing offspring and respectfully declined.”

Penny made her way to the couch, falling into it with a thump. Was she sleeping? Maybe she’d drank too much tequila the night before. That proved to induce some wild dreams in the past. Sheldon Cooper did not just ask her to be his baby mama.

“When did you speak to Amy?” The humunculus was still yelling. God, what if she was awake?

“Who do you think took me to my doctor’s appointments? Good lord, I wasn’t going to take the bus!”

“No, Raj,” Howard gulped, ever that dramatist. “I think he’s serious.”

“Why do you need Penny to have your baby? Surely they can cryogenically freeze your sperm until you find someone crazy enough to have a kid with you!”

“Yeah,” she heard herself speak up. “Can’t they freeze your…stuff?” She lifted her gaze, finding her ex very much invading his roommate’s personal space, and looking murderous.

“Don’t you think I would have thought of that already?” Sheldon scoffed. “I’ve tried. Unfortunately, I am part of the 1% of males whose sperm will not survive the freezing process. I’m afraid my only option is to procreate before my surgery.”

Humunculus appeared less than satisfied. “But why does it have to be her? There are egg donors and surrogates. There’s no reason you have to procreate with Penny.”

Sheldon raised an eyebrow. “I beg to differ. My surgery is in three weeks. That’s not enough time to worry with ova donors and surrogates. Penny is obviously the best choice. She’s already integrated into our social circle, and while she’s not a genius, she’s far from stupid.” Well, she’d best mark that one down. “We would produce offspring that would be both highly intelligent and aesthetically pleasing.”

Howard snickered, taking a step forward. “Your babies will be smart and beautiful!”

“Precisely, Howard!” Sheldon really had that condescending tone down. “If Woloitz can understand this, why can’t you, Leonard?”

“You guys laughed at me when I said that!”

Even in the midst of the chaos, Penny found it in herself to take a jab at Leonard’s irrational possessiveness of her. “Our babies would be smart and beautiful, Leonard, but they’d also be short and asthmatic.” She ignored his protest and turned her eyes to Sheldon instead. If she took away all the crazy, he was just a really tall, slim guy with blue eyes too pretty for a boy, her Nana would say. There was no denying his intelligence, either. Neurotic he may have been, but he was also scary smart. Unbidden, her mind drew up a picture of blond haired, blue eyed children, running around making death rays.

“Whack-A-Doodle’s got a point. We’d make awesome babies.”

The sudden silence brought her back to herself, and her cheeks flared with heat. “God, what am I saying? Sheldon, I’m not having your baby.” She thrust his papers back at him, fully intending on escaping to her own apartment, but he fixed her with that gaze. The gaze that had her singing him Soft Kitty and rubbing vapo rub on his chest.

“Penny you’re my last hope! You have to at least consider my proposal!”

The weight of her whole day suddenly became too much to bear, and she stood on shaky legs. “I…I can’t do this right now. I’m covered in food and I’m exhausted. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

None of them moved to stop her as she escaped to 4B. She didn’t realize until she’d locked the door behind her and collapsed onto the couch that she still had Sheldon’s proposal in her hand.


	2. Penny's Counter Offer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the Big Bang Theory or any of its characters. I just like to play with them a bit.

She should have thrown Sheldon's contract thing regarding her lady parts straight into the trash. She should have showered, poured herself a glass of wine and crashed. So then why was she up at four in the morning, sitting on her couch with yesterday's makeup on, reading the damn thing?

From what Penny could gather, he'd kept her in mind while writing this, and in more ways than one. She understood this document far better than any of his others, including the form for borrowing a spare roll of toilet paper. She didn't understand certain words, but she could easily gather the gist of what each section said. The document also proposed benefit to her just as much as to him, unlike _any_ of his others.

If she agreed to help him, it would all be done artificially. (Thank god!) He agreed to support both the baby _and_ her. She would be free to see whomever (yes, Sheldon actually put _whomever_ ) she wanted romantically, to pursue whatever career field she wanted so long as she split parenting responsibilities with him 50/50.

Was she really considering having a baby with Sheldon Cooper? The man who scheduled his bowel movements! He arranged his cereal by _fiber content_! How could he possibly handle an infant? With his super hero shirts and room full of comics, he was nothing but an overgrown child himself.

Her chest tightened at the knowledge that he had cancer. Even if it turned out to be as curable as he claimed, it was still _cancer._ He did everything but spray Lysol onto himself directly to avoid sickness, and yet it could not stop a tumor. Everyone, Leonard in particular, viewed him as a nuisance, and inconvenience, but to her he was just Sheldon. He could drive her bat crap crazy with his schedules and rules, but when he was her friend. He loaned her money when she hit rock bottom. He dressed her, drove her to and from the hospital and sang Soft Kitty to her when she'd dislocated her shoulder. He took care of her, and she took care of him in return.

If she didn't help him, he may never have children. Didn't everyone deserve that chance? Desperation had been written all over his face as he'd pleaded with her the night before. He didn't put on his usual baby face and screech "Please, please, please, please, pleaassssssseeeeeeeee!" Instead he'd fixed her with a wide eyed stare and implored her.

" _Penny you're my last hope!"_

What about her acting career? Going through a pregnancy and then having the responsibility of a child would likely kill it all together. All those dreams she came to California from Omaha with - gone. But then what did she really lose? That disastrous production of _RENT_ , _Diary of Ann Frank_ performed over top of a bowling alley and a hemorrhoid commercial. Six years and she could count all of her notable acting moments on one hand.

She wasn't an actress; she was a waitress with a habit of getting turned down at auditions. She had done nothing productive with her life, nothing she could be proud of. Could she trade in her dreams for diapers? Women always talked about how their children were the best thing they'd ever done. She'd always wanted kids anyway, just maybe not so soon, and Sheldon had a point. Their babies _would_ be smart and beautiful.

She tried to imagine him as a father, and her mind showed a scene of him in his spot, surrounded by hundreds of parenting books. He'd research his way through until he knew, without doubt, he'd reached his full potential with the "course material." Because Sheldon, bless him, never settled for second best. He certainly wouldn't start with this.

Her thoughts turned to Amy, who had denied the very same proposal. Wasn't asking Penny to accept after his freakishly smart girlfriend denied settling in itself? She paused, rolled the notion over in her mind. No. Of course he would ask Amy first - she was his girlfriend - but Penny made up for her lack of genius in other areas, social skills ringing in at the top of the list. Sheldon had even said she was far from stupid. Even so, she needed to talk to her "bestie" before she even considered _considering_ Sheldon's proposal. Surely the unspoken laws of friendship would let her off the hook.

* * *

"I've no issue at all with you moving forward with Sheldon's proposal."

Penny stared at her friend a bit longer than necessary.

"Care to repeat that, Ames?"

Amy Farrah Fowler shifted on the sofa. She drew in a deep breath before throwing a serious look. "I would harbor no ill feelings toward you if you decided to help Sheldon in his quest to produce offspring."

Well, so much for friendship obligations.

"You want me to have your boyfriend's baby?" Penny asked. "Don't you think that might get a little weird?"

The brunette shook her head, eyes falling to the floor. "I suppose it would, if the relationship agreement hadn't been terminated," she agreed. "But as it stands, Sheldon is no longer my boyfriend."

Okay, what the hell? In less than twenty-four hours, Sheldon had gotten cancer, asked _her_ to have his baby and broken up with Amy. She was pretty sure this wasn't some tequila induced dream. She'd have woken up by now. Maybe she'd fallen into one of those parallel universe thingys the boys were always talking about.

"He broke up with you because you didn't want to have his baby?"

Amy suddenly looked every bit the part of a heartbroken girl. Her face fell, eyes watered, and her voice cracked when she spoke. "Oh, I wanted to have his baby," she admitted, sniffling. "Until I found out he planned on conceiving it in a petri dish."

Everything clicked into place at once, and Penny sighed. Even when it came to having a family, Sheldon refused to seal the deal with Amy. She scooted closer to her friend and pulled the now crying girl into her arms. "Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I know how badly you wanted things to work out between you and Sheldon. I can't believe he broke up with you because you didn't want a test tube baby."

"He didn't break up with me," Amy gasped. "I broke up with him."

Well, the parallel universe theory looked pretty likely.

"It just made me realize that he'd never give me what I really want," she continued, face burrowed against Penny's chest, making the situation a tad more awkward than necessary. "I just couldn't keep doing it. So I terminated the agreement."

"Oh, sweetheart…"

In all honesty, Penny had been waiting for this day for a while now. No other woman she knew would have put up with the way Sheldon treated Amy. She was supposed to be his girlfriend, and he kept her at arm's length in every way possible. Anyone else would have walked away long ago. She was proud of her friend. Every girl deserves someone to make her feel loved.

"Really though," Amy sat up straight and wiped at her eyes. "I'm okay with it, if you wish to accept Sheldon's proposal. It's no wonder he came to you next. With your unsurpassed beauty and Sheldon's intellect, those children could take over the world."

Well, that seemed to be the popular opinion.

"Are you sure?"

_Last chance to throw me a get out of making super genius babies free card here, Ames._

"I'm sure," the brunette nodded.

Penny sighed. Time to do some research of her own.

* * *

When she pushed through the boys' door at 7 pm that evening, books and print outs stacked as high as her head, four different pairs of eyes turned to her. Howard, Raj and Leonard looked something akin to those googley eyed dolls she used to hate. (Those were some creepy little shits!) Sheldon looked bored.

"Uhh," Leonard managed to pick his jaw off the floor. "You need some help with those?"

"No, thanks, sweetie," she tossed over her shoulder as she headed for the kitchen counter. "This is almost as tall as you."

She slammed her stack down onto the counter and turned to face Sheldon, who was sitting in his spot, sporting his The Flash shirt. "Can I talk to you?"

He peered at her with an unreadable stare.

"You already are."

Biting back a sigh, she looked to the room's other occupants. Howard and Raj would fall over if they moved any closer to the edge of their seats. Leonard looked green. She had really wanted to do this in private, but the guys would all know in record time anyway.

"I have a counter offer," she announced, eyes back on Sheldon.

"What?!" Leonard screamed.

"Go on," Sheldon said with a wave of his hand, giving her the floor.

She shifted from foot to foot, made sure to have her back straight before she spoke. "This proposal is asking a lot of me. If I were to agree, I have some conditions." She applauded herself on managing to use what she felt pretty sure was proper grammar.

The room erupted into chaos, but Sheldon very calmly raised his hand. "Everyone, out. I need to discuss this with Penny." Leonard made to protest, but his roommate fixed him with a glare. "OUT."

With the apartment vacated, however reluctantly, he turned back to her. "What are your conditions?"

Penny turned to pick up her now well read copy of the proposal. "Well, the big ones have to do with sections B and C, about prenatal care." She took a deep breath, locked eyes with him and said very firmly "For starters, I want a midwife."

"Absolutely not!" he cried, rising from his seat. "You'll be seeing a proper doctor, not some backwoods - -"

She cut him off.

"I wasn't done!"

He snapped his mouth shut and took a step back, the same way he did when she threatened to go Junior Rodeo on his ass. She nodded, and picked up a quarter of her large papers out of the stack, holding them out for him to see. "A lot of OBs use unnecessary intervention. They'll induce labor, instead of waiting for it to happen naturally, with this fake hormone that makes labor ten times harder than normal. They also do Cesarean sections unnecessarily, because they don't want to wait for the woman to go through with her labor. They'll even lie and say the baby is in distress when it's not. A C-section is major surgery, and can be really dangerous."

She threw that stack of papers down to make a new pile, and picked up another stack and one of her books. "Midwives aren't backwoods whatevers, Sheldon. They're certified nurse practitioners with a specialization in midwifery. They wait on natural labor to occur and only proceed to a doctor for a C-section in an absolute emergency."

He looked impressed with her research, but far from convinced. She slapped the book and papers down in the new stack to pick up even more. "I'll agree to go get checked out by my regular OBGYN first to make sure the pregnancy isn't high risk and it's safe to proceed with a midwife. I already know you won't agree to a home birth, so I'll agree to a birthing center. There's one right here in Pasadena that has an exceptional history. It's all right here."

She took a deep breath, mentally congratulating herself for remembering it all.

Sheldon crossed the room and began sifting through her research, glancing over the highlighted sections. "Is this a deal breaking condition?" he asked, eyebrow raised.

"Yes," she said firmly.

He nodded and set her research to the side. "Alright, assuming I accept this condition, what are your others?"

Honestly, Penny never planned on getting this far. Having Sheldon agree, even hypothetically, to a midwife and a birthing center unnerved her. He really _was_ desperate. "Section F," she continued. "I'll agree to improve my diet during pregnancy and breast feeding, but I refuse to allow _you_ to monitor it."

"Penny," he began.

"Sheldon, you're asking me to rent out my uterus for forty weeks, get really fat, go through labor and then be a mother to your child. I can appreciate the need to eat healthy, but I won't have you following me around with a damn chart."

"Fine. Anything else?"

She took a moment to look him over. "Sheldon, sweetie, do you have any idea what you're suggesting?"

"Of course." He tilted his head to the side, crossed his arms. "You obviously read the proposal, Penny. Why are you asking?"

Oh, Whack-A-Doodle.

"We're talking about a baby, Sheldon." She softened her tone, moved forward a step to invade his personal space, drive her point home. "A baby. A living, breathing, miniature human. They slobber and they poop and they spit up all over you. They cry in the middle of the night and interrupt your R-whatever sleep it is you're so crazy about."

He turned very serious, and nodded stiffly to her. "I am prepared to do what I must to adapt to the numerous changes this will make to my life. As a homo novus, I see no reason why I should not be able to do as much."

It was sad how she understood that.

"What about this cancer? Is it really as curable as you say? One surgery and you're all good?"

He nodded. "I've consulted five different oncologists, all of whom have told me the same. After the surgery to remove the tumor and a single round of chemotherapy, I should have no further issues."

Penny sighed.

"I won't have you using rubber gloves with our child."

_Our child._

Sheldon cleared his throat and shifted.

"I understand. As I said, I shall adapt."

He stood there patient, waiting for her to say the words that would either make or break his chances at fatherhood. Could she really do this? Agree to this? Until twenty-four hours ago she'd thought she wouldn't even consider kids for another five years, possibly more. And now?

"According to my math, I'll be…um…ovulating somewhere around the end of the week. They sell test sticks at the grocery store. I should pick some up."

"I'll have the contract with your conditions included by morning."

A long pause lingered between them, and then her arms were full of six feet and two inches of lanky nerd. "Oh, Penny, I knew you'd help me!" he cried, folding her into him. He'd gotten a bit better at the hugging thing, but he was still all elbows and sharp angles.

"Why's that, sweetie?" she asked, giving him a squeeze in return.

He pulled away from her, holding her at arms length, and said very seriously. "Because you always do."


End file.
